How To Bag A Billionaire (Hint: Become A Supreme Court Justice)
Originally published in Huffington Post on August 15, 2023
Editor’s note: It appears that Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas just can’t stop accepting lavish gifts from his billionaire friends. Much like Moriah Mills before him, every day there seems to be a new report explaining how the judge on the highest court in the land has received everything from VIP sports tickets to private jet rides. So writers Mitu Yima and Jumoke Balogun, creators of This Black-Ass Life decided to break down exactly what it takes to finesse a billionaire.
It’s hard out here trying to afford rent, take our little trips and buy the designer drip we deserve. We’re not getting flewed out like we used to be in this economy. So when times are hard, sometimes our best path forward is by looking backward. Specifically to OG Baller Alert.
Do you remember Baller Alert in its original form? Not the entertainment page it is now, but the forum that would post something like, “Ladies, this handsome unattached point guard will be at the club in Atlanta with his boys. Stretch, pace yourselves, and may the odds be ever in your favor.” In an ode to those forums and for the girls (gender neutral) who need their bills paid, this is a guide to find a benefactor, someone benevolent with their billions, a true baller.
Get Really Good Grades At An Elite Prep School
We know this step requires time travel, significant upfront investment (it takes money to make money!) and time spent with your head in the books rather than under the hands of a stylist who can turn your hair out. Take hot girl ground zero Georgetown Preparatory School, where you can grow up and get your property purchased by a generous sponsor. This step may seem difficult, but it’s important on your journey to moguldom, which can’t be complete unless you …
Go To A Top-Ranked College
Again, you do have to become a little bit of a Marty McFly, but this is important! The hallowed, ivy-covered towers of a fancy college are where you begin to build the connections you need with the real moneyed folks. Join a secret society ― and you don’t even have to go top tier, like Skull and Bones! Try a drinking group, like Truth and Courage where the truth is y’all are up to some dirt and you need the courage to cover it up for each other. With your buddies in boofing, join arm in arm for the next step because you’re not done yet. Now you have to …
Attend Harvard Or Yale Law School
We do not make the rules. It doesn’t have to be Harvard or Yale … but it kind of has to be Harvard or Yale. So you need to get your Elle Woods on and hit those law books. How will you be able to review things ballers give you like pre- or post-nuptial agreements, nondisclosure agreements or nondisparagement clauses? But you can’t spend all your time in the books, you must keep boofing about building connections, and you must join an elite group like the Harvard Law Review ― preferably as editor. This is a step you have to take because it helps you …
Land An Elite Internship (You Gotta Clerk)
This seems like a lot of work, yes. But unfortunately we must chase the bag; the bag is not set up to chase us. Interning at a high-powered law firm or, more important, clerking for a high-ranking judge guarantees you know how to research relevant cases (real or hatefully hypothetical) and relevant ballers. You must make yourself indispensable so you’re in a good position to secure your baller as long as you make sure to …
Dress Modestly
This seems counterintuitive, but it’s not! By wearing something like a long black shapeless robe so all your goodies are hidden, you’re showing your baller that you’re saving your cute vacation outfits for them and them alone. Your baller will tell you that it ain’t your booty, it’s your beauty. The last step to guarantee you a baller is to …
Literally Become A Supreme Court Justice
Yes, this is an elite group of people, but become one of these courtside courthouse cuties and you’ll be a city girl up by millions. We’re talking about everything from flying on private jets with all expenses paid to luxury fishing trips, tuition for your kids and even statues made in honor of your favorite teachers. Does doing this dance mean you might preside over a case involving one of your zaddy ballers? Sure! But to do this, you have to put being a city girl over any judicial ethics.
Good luck!
Jumoke Balogun and Mitu Yilma are authors of “This Black-Ass Life,” a for-us, by-us newsletter for the Black diaspora. Click here to subscribe.